A guest post by Kay. If you too would like to contribute then contact us.

The other day, I told my mother I was going to solve a problem by requesting the help of a friend. Her response was, “How can you do that!”. To her, the particular request I was going to make was an imposition and completely inappropriate. To me, it was simply a request—one to which my friend could say yes or no.

Like my mother (and myself at one time in my life), many women have difficulty asking for what they want, or may only be able to do so indirectly (i.e. “It’s cold in here, don’t you think?” instead of “I’m cold. Would you mind if I turned up the heat a bit?”)

There are many reasons for this skill deficiency. For instance, while growing up, one may have been taught that they were being a bother or stepping over some imaginary line, or that it is important to be extremely self-sufficient. Fear that one’s request may be denied, when denial is equated with personal rejection is another factor, as is fear based on past experiences in which one’s requests were responded to with verbal or physical aggressiveness.

This is an unfortunate condition. Request proficiency is an important life skill. It is how we get things done and how we take care of ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. In contrast, having constraints on one’s ability to ask reduces self-esteem, decreases possibilities and increases conflict in relationships.

©Kirsten Wingrove 2010

Obstacles to Overcome

If you are request-challenged, you will need to address two issues. One has to do with our interpretation of events, the other with physiology.

Understanding the difference between events and the meaning we attach to those events is critical. Requests are simply requests—nothing more, nothing less. They are actions we take in language for the purpose of making something happen. What creates difficulty are the “meanings” we attach to them. This is actually true for most things in life. There is “what is” or “what happens”, and then there are the meanings we attach to those things and events. Meaning is where most of the drama lies.

An even bigger obstacle is the connection between our belief systems and our bodies.

The things we can and can’t do live in our bodies. To understand this statement, think of a time when you were starting a new sport or some other activity like learning to drive. In the beginning, you had to consciously focus on being able to do each part of a movement. Next, you had to consciously work at putting those parts together. With repeated practice, these movements eventually became “programmed” in your body and you no longer had to think about what to do_; your body just responded as needed.

Even though it may not seem like it, the things we can and can’t do in language also live in our bodies. If you are good at making requests, the moves of making requests are programmed in your body. If you have trouble making requests, the moves of not making requests are programmed in your body. Thus, removing constraining physical patterns and replacing them with ones that produce freedom to act is essential to becoming good at asking for what you want.

Making the Transition

Since our ability or lack of ability to make requests is strongly programmed in our bodies, the best way to become more comfortable with the move is through practice. Repetition is how we “reprogram” our bodies with new neural pathways and movement patterns. It is also how we desensitize our emotional responses and part of how we alter our perception of meaning.

Exercises offer safe ways to practice and thereby become better at making requests. In the beginning, most people experience quite a bit of discomfort during these exchanges. The discomfort has to do with overcoming whatever has been holding you back, as well as the artificial nature of the process. This subsides as you continue to “train”. It helps to remember that moving one from feeling uncomfortable to comfortable is the point of these exercises.

Verbal Request Exercise

This exercise can be done in person or over the phone. A regular practice schedule (two or more times a week), working with both the same and different partners, will increase the effectiveness of your efforts.

1. Pick an A and a B.
2. A starts by making requests of B for a period of one minute without stopping. Each request should be different and B’s response must always be some version of “no” without any softening modifiers such as “I’m sorry” or “I wish I could but…” Throughout, both A and B should be consciously observing the physical sensations that arise in their bodies as they perform these tasks.
3. After one minute, stop and share your experiences. Describe in specific terms what happened to you physically. For instance, you might observe that your heart rate increased, your breathing became shallower or your palms were sweating. Tightening in any part of the body (but particularly in one’s chest, jaw, or throat) is a common result. These examples are given to clarify what is meant by “specific terms”. The important thing is for both the requestor and decliner to identify and verbalize their experiences in this way.
4. Now reverse roles and repeat the exercise in the exact same way.

As with any new skill, the more you practice, the more capable and comfortable you will become with this process.

EXAMPLE:

One final word of encouragement. The other day, my 89 year old mother and I were meeting a cousin for lunch at a department store. After we got there, she discovered she had only put on one earring and wasn’t happy about it. So, while we were browsing the jewelry department, she asked a sales person if she could borrow a pair of earrings to wear through lunch. Amazingly, the answer was yes. I was so proud of her!

Kay Francis is a former communications designer turned Marital and Family Therapist turned Creative Problem Solving Consultant, Workshop Leader and Author of the upcoming book “YOUR MISSING EDUCATION: What You Should Have Been Taught In School but Weren’t (about life, love & more). She is also a dog lover and Francophile. For more information about Kay and her work, go to Kay Francis what if or contact her at kfran32@comcast.net.